News Flash: Joseph Fiennes likely to be indicted for monopolistic practices and fashion offenses

(From time to time, I will be helpfully covering important news items that have been completely missed by the mainstream media, obsessed as they are with non-issues such as the oil situation and global politics)

It is rumored that the European Union is planning to move against Joseph Fiennes for anti-competitive practices in monopolizing all the leading roles in Elizabethan Age movies. Let’s see, in ‘Shakespeare in love’, he plays a very sexy Shakespeare - there’s just no way bald old Shakespeare looked like the gorgeous hunk that Fiennes is. In ‘Elizabeth’, he is ambitious rake Robert Dudley, wooing the unsure-of-herself Elizabeth while having a wife tucked away in the country. In ‘The Merchant of Venice’, he plays Bassanio, whose wooing of the Lady Portia sends his buddy Antonio into the clutches of moneylender Shylock with disastrous consequences. To do full justice to these roles, Fiennes wore frilly shorts, long sleeves, multi-colored tights, carefully styled stubble, black eyeliner and what I suspect to be pale orange lipstick.

It is also reliably learnt that Fiennes is being indicted by the Fashion Police of several countries for offenses related to the simultaneous wearing of tights and (arguably) orange lipstick. However, he is receiving enormous support from the League of Smitten Women, which has vowed to defend him to the end. “Joseph puts sexy back into Shakespeare, give the man a break”, say the girls. My sentiments, exactly.